10 Marriage Lessons That Changed Manyi Forever

When I first expressed my wish to marry to a friend, her immediate reaction was, “Manyi, women aren’t right for you. If they were, God would have created a woman for Himself.” Does she have a point?

I’m not sure. Nevertheless, I decided to ignore her advice.

It was early 2013, just a year before my wedding. I had a strong relationship with my boss, so she was one of the first to hear about my plans. “You’re still young; don’t you think you should take your time?” she suggested. I responded, “I’m young, but how old should I be before I marry? Ninety-nine?” We both laughed.

“The important thing is,” she continued, “you need to understand what you’re getting into before you commit. Here’s a task for you: find ten people who have been married for over twenty years and ask them for one piece of advice about marriage. After you gather their insights, if you still feel ready, then go ahead and marry.”

I took her suggestion to heart.

I sought out ten individuals and asked them for their best piece of advice for someone contemplating marriage:

#1. No man has ever been criticized for washing his wife’s underwear.

You’ll encounter many things you’re told not to do. Being a man can feel like a burden, filled with expectations of what you shouldn’t do. Discard those notions. Wash the dishes, even if it’s labeled as a woman’s task. Change the baby’s diaper, even if that’s also considered a woman’s job. Cook dinner and invite her to join you. If everything is left to her, what’s your role? Wash her underwear. Take pride in doing so without worrying about what others might think. In the end, we all pass away, but I’ve never heard of anyone dying because they washed their wife’s panties.

#2. If you find yourself struggling to make it work, there’s an issue that needs addressing.

Marriage should function smoothly because love is meant to work. It’s not difficult to operate the TV in your living room; you just turn it on and the images appear. If the images stop showing, it indicates a problem. If you find yourself exerting too much effort to make your relationship work, it’s a sign that something needs fixing. Address it.

#3. This should be the final heartbreak that truly affects you.

You enter marriage fully committed. It’s not an experiment to see what works. You’re in it to make it succeed, so you give your all. Love as if there’s no other chance to love. Invest all your time in this marriage, leaving no room for another relationship. The idea is to give everything so that if it doesn’t work out, the heartbreak will be devastating. The truth is, no one who gives their all truly fails.

#4. Two halves don’t create a whole.

That only happens in mathematics. A half plus another half equals one whole. You can’t enter marriage as a half person. Don’t seek someone to complete you. Avoid looking for validation in your partner. Don’t search for what you lack in another person; it will lead to failure. You are a complete individual whose purpose in marrying should be to find joy in companionship. Don’t marry someone wealthy just because you’re not; that dependency can become burdensome for them, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. If there’s a reason to marry, it should be for the joy found in companionship.

#5. Two imperfect individuals seeking perfection in companionship.

You’re not perfect, and neither is she. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a perfect companionship. It requires recognizing your mutual imperfections and a commitment to work towards achieving a fulfilling partnership. It’s entirely possible. At some point, individual flaws will surface. Acknowledge them and work to overcome them. Keep the ultimate goal in mind and strive towards it.

#6. There may be greener pastures, but focus on nurturing what you have.

The grass always appears greener where you’re not standing. There will always be women more beautiful than your wife. You might have friends whose marriages seem ideal. There are homes that look immaculate compared to yours. Don’t fret. The flowers that bloom are the ones that receive proper care. If you desire the lushness of the grass elsewhere, tend to your own. In time, it will flourish too.

#7. Don’t fixate on making your marriage last forever.

“Forever” is a long time and may never arrive. Take your marriage one day at a time. Find happiness today. Enjoy your partner. Sit by the river and reminisce about the wonderful moments you’ve shared and the beautiful times ahead. Focus on winning each day. When you go to bed with smiles, you know you’ve succeeded that day, and there’s another day to conquer when morning comes. Make your marriage about today. Forever is simply a collection of days, and it only takes one day at a time to reach it.

#8. If you’re unsure whether she loves you, spend each day trying to find out.

“Do you love your spouse?” Yes! But does she love you? Don’t answer that. You can’t be certain of her love. However, you want to know. So, live each day proving to her that you’re worthy of her love. Start each day fresh, as if you’re trying to win her affection anew. This way, you’ll engage in the things she enjoys, and she’ll fall in love with you all over again each day. That’s how you succeed.

#9. I’ve forgotten the ninth piece of advice. We’re human, and sometimes we forget. That’s okay. I allow myself to forget the ninth piece. Perhaps someday, after being married for over twenty years, I’ll replace it with my own wisdom. Apologies.

So, a week before my wedding, I returned to my boss. I said, “I know you haven’t been married for over twenty years, but I believe you have some advice to offer. I’m here to receive your tenth piece of advice. What do you think?” She responded:

#10. “Marriage is a wonderful thing. So go ahead and say ‘I do.’”

The following weekend, I married in front of my friends and family. Now, I find myself reflecting on whether I’ve followed all the advice given. The answer is NOPE! I don’t think I can adhere to all of it. Because ultimately, I only need to do what works for me. She just brought me bread and fried eggs. That’s all I need for a happy marriage.